No Strings Attached

Posted By Kathleen David on April 15, 2022

The beginning of 2022 seemed to be going okay for us. A few issues that were causing me worry but nothing I could not handle.

The end of January is when our lives came crashing into the unknown.

We knew Peter’s kidneys were not doing well but his numbers were still above the drastic measures zone. This has been going on for five or six years now. 

In a three-month period, he went from okay to we have a serious problem as the numbers went all the directions that we didn’t want him to go.

It was around this time that we found out that Peter had been using for approximately eight years might be killing him due to deterioration of the foam they used to both quiet and insulate the machine. The three things that come up most is lung function, heart problems, and kidney problems.

We put a recommended filter on the machine because I don’t think we ae going to see a new one until maybe next year. Every time I exchange the filter the bottom side is grey with black flecks. That was going into my husband’s lungs  sover time.

Peter’s kidneys were failing and we had to make some fast choices as to which kind of dialysis he was going to use along with getting onto a transplant list.

We chose preretinal dialysis because it could be done at home and we could still make it to conventions and the like. It takes a lot of materials but we can travel with those and Baxter, our medical supply company that has taken great care of us, will deliver his bags of dialysis fluid because those suckers are heavy.

First Peter had to get a catheter inserted into his gut and it had to heal before the next step. This would allow his preretinal cavity to do what his kidneys aren’t.

Once he was healed, we started training on how to do the process manually or what you had to do before the magic machine. We went to see Peter’s dialysis nurse who is a delight. She took us through the process and gave us time to adjust to all that had happened and would be coming.

Once we were cleared for that, we started living our life in four hour increments with a lot of paper work attached. On the one had, Peter was feeling and looking better. On the other hand, four hours before we had to do something to help keep Peter alive. Made life a little difficult and I was very frustrated by the whole process and tired both physically and mentally. 

Once we had done the manual version for a period of time, Peter had a day of testing to see if this form of dialysis was working and if he could go on the overnight machine.

He passed and we trained on the machine.

Last night was our first night with the machine. It worked and the alarms went off twice for very specific reasons. This let us both get a good night sleep and not have to worry about those four-hour increments. 

It’s the new normal and we are getting use to it.

I am grateful that we are finally on the evening machine.

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Posted By Kathleen David on April 7, 2022

I read in the NYT today an article by a conservative professor who has changed his mind about what a safe space can be and why we need them.

It boils down to creating a space can be used for differing opinions where they are discussed rather than turning into who can “yell” the loudest.

He found that most of his students self-censored no matter what their political beliefs were. Students were worried about being ‘cancelled’ because they believe an unpopular opinion or had a differing point of view than a majority of the class.

He says the system he has in his classroom is not perfect but it does lead to lively discourse.

To some they need their safe space so they can talk about things that are bothering them and not be judged. 

That’s all good and can help people.

I take exception to people who inform me that I have to conform my thoughts to their in a public setting because they have triggers.

Now I know people who have PSTD and do have REAL triggers that they try to avoid. 

But the word ‘trigger’ has been diluted to ‘this makes me feel a little uncomfortable’.

Life is uncomfortable. People’s opinions can be uncomfortable and do not conform to one’s beliefs.

We learn when we are uncomfortable. The lessons can be painful but they push us to learn.

The more in a conversation I hear someone talking to me or rather at me about all the things I must not talk about, the less my interest in talking to them.

Most of the people I know who do get triggered, tend not to dwell on it and, unless they are confronted with a condition that does trigger them, do not introduce themselves with everything you can’t talk to them about.

I like a good debate. I hate a shouting match. Especially when the winner is the loudest bully in the group who shouts everyone else down.

There is a lot of shouting these days and repeating of both truth and lies. 

Everyone has their minds so made up, there is no changing them.

At least one professor is trying to get us back to debating and listening to others opinions about all kinds of things and know that they are being listened to as well.

I am grateful for flexible minds.

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Posted By Kathleen David on March 22, 2022

I want to tell my family especially Caroline that I am OK just tired. None of this is anyone’s fault. It is circumstances and the situation I find myself in.

I promised myself I would be honest here.

“Emotional exhaustion is a state of feeling emotionally worn-out and drained because of accumulatedstress from your personal or work lives, or a combination of both. Emotional exhaustion is one of the signs of burnout

People experiencing emotional exhaustion often feel like they have no power or control over what happens in life. They may feel “stuck” or “trapped” in a situation. 

Lack of energy, poor sleep, and decreased motivation can make it difficult to overcome emotional exhaustion. Over time, this chronic, stressed-out state can cause permanent damage to your health.

Anyone experiencing long-term stress can become emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed. In difficult times, emotional exhaustion can sneak up on you, but it’s never too late to get help.”

I know I live a life of stress, some of it from outside factors and some from within. I thought it was an advantage that I could work under stress. It might have been at one time, however as I have gotten old, I have realized it is not that good for my health.

Stress does affect your health. It can make you lose or gain weight. Most people. gain. It can scramble a lot of different hormones you have. It can lead to bad behavior like increasing alcohol consumption or foods you should only eat in moderation like chocolate or other sweet foods. Overall it is not a good thing as a long term partner.

I am feeling fatigue and a lack of motivation. I hate when I feel like this especially when I know why I am feeling like this. It becomes a vicious circle.

I have a lot to do from basic housekeeping to getting ready for Heliosphere to other things that need to be done. The list is a long one. Puppet repair is at the top.

I am frustrated with myself for not doing anything creative in a while. I have lots of ideas but my execution stinks.

As we adjust to Peter being on dialysis, right now our lives are divided into four-hour increments. This is not how our lives are going to be forever. We are working to a night machine that will do all the work we have been doing. But right now it is a big part of our lives. I do not resent it at all. This process is making sure my husband lives and I really love the idea of having my husband around.

Any job gives you stress in different ways. Overall, I tended to Zen my way through what I need to do at work.  It is nice going to a different place and do something with my mind using my magical organizational skills.  I have a good eye on how to make a space look pleasing to the customer.  The receiving crew have some extra stress to unload the truck as fast as possible and then get the production on the floor so customers can by it.

I tended to mentally beat myself up if I am not doing something productive. Trying to take a few and breath use to be a waste of time. I have learned that is not a waste of time and it is not selfish to take some time for me. If I don’t, I am useless to everyone else. This took me YEARS to learn.

I am trying to pull it from somewhere to get done what I need to get done. I know why I am stressed but I need to pull past it until next week. Then I will re-assess what I need to do.

I am grateful that I recognize the signs of emotional exhaustion.

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Posted By Kathleen David on March 18, 2022

We hear there is another COVID variant floating around. It is very transmissible but not very strong if you are vaccinated.

We just got our faces back; however, I think we are all waiting for the shoe to drop and we find ourselves back to March 2020.

It has been two years and we have made progress, but people are still dying at a rather alarming rate. Most of these people didn’t get vaccinated and regret this on their death bed. My biggest issue is the number of children that are dying, and a majority of these deaths could have been avoided if their families had gotten vaccinated.

Peter has started home dialysis. He starts with a gravity feed and is working his way to a machine that will work overnight to clean his system. Right now our lives are divided into four hour increments as he needed to drain and refill after that time span. This will give his team a good idea of what he needs to keep him alive as he waits to see when a kidney will become available to him.  

Then we will have a whole other set of circumstances to make the new normal.

This next weekend I will be the artist guest of honor at Heliosphere. This will be a first and I hope not the last for me. I am very excited about this. We were originally schedule for 2020 but that and 2021 went by. ear

So, this year is the year. 

I plan to spend the week getting ready for it as does Peter.

Hope to see some of you there.

Work is chugging along. We are in the slow season, so my hours have been radically cut.  I knew this was going to happen. Just hurts the bottom line here at the house. We have adjusted the budget accordingly.

I hope to sell some puppets at Heliosphere to offset the lost income.

I am grateful for things that make this new normal feel normal.

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Posted By Kathleen David on March 7, 2022

I am putting a warning on this one for those who don’t want to read my thoughts on addiction and how that word has been twisted all kinds of ways.

(more…)

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