No Strings Attached

Posted By Kathleen David on September 20, 2018

We had a hint of fall a couple of weeks ago but it was still very humid.

This morning feels much more autumn like with the slightly crisp air and light breeze. Almost makes me want to put on a hoodie. However we are not quite there yet.

The cats are loving it. Sitting in the open window and sniffing the air. We had a bunch of starlings in the front yard playing in the water from the sprinkler so kitty TV was on their favorite channel.

Mewlan has now be with us for over a year. It took us a week to get her to come out of her hidey hole and start to socialize. Now she is the biggest lovey of the bunch wanting pets and attention. She is also the biggest of our three cats. She is still a klutz but she has learned to navigate her way around the house with minimal miss-steps.

Figgy is 8 and Inky is 5 now. Hard to believe that our foundlings have been with us for such a long time. Figgy has been with Caroline now for half her life and is still very loyal to her. I still love it that when Caroline comes through the door Figgy is there to greet her. And I have watched this cat see that Caroline is coming up the walk, leap down to the floor and then flop like she had been there and doesn’t care who is coming through the door.

Inky continues to be the scaredy cat of the group. She is the smallest of the three and Mewlan keeps trying to play with her with varying results. I have caught the two of them grooming each other and curled up asleep. So I don’t know how much of that is for show.

Today is errand day. I have a number I need to run all over the place so I am plotting the best course to get everywhere I need to go with minimal gas usage. Also need to restock the larder.

I find myself writing things down more so I don’t get distracted and forget something.

I have several notebooks I write notes in depending on the urgency of the notes.

My brain tends to live in overdrive so I use writing to slow it down for the solid formation of ideas. I think through things as I drive around for whatever. If a great idea for something comes up, then when I am safely parked I write it down. Some ideas are discarded and others become something down the road.

I am grateful for an active brain.

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Posted By Kathleen David on September 19, 2018

The past couple of days was all about getting the living room ready so that a documentary film crew could come in and film Peter in his natural habitat while he talks about writing movie tie-in novels. The crew was really nice and polite. They were surprised that I had anticipated their power needs and had what they needed in place. Overall I think it went well.

The cats are not sure what to do with all the extra space that now exists since we picked up things that normally live on the floor or chair and move it elsewhere. Some of it will move back because I was trying to make as much room as possible not knowing what would be needed.

Today is Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, so Caroline is off from school. Gives her a day to regroup before school really settles in. She is looking forward to her two favorite clubs starting up again which are Robots and Model UN. This school year will be challenging considering the number of AP classes she is taking.

I have a short story to write as the outline was accepted or rather I was given the go ahead on writing with a few alterations. Then I want to get back to Nemo that I don’t think I have touched since last year but it is time to get cranking on that.

On top of that I want to start building all the puppets I need for my DragonCon sketch. I figure 14 puppets can get done before next DragonCon if I start now. Plus I have a couple for Farpoint and Shoreleave I want to do. I plan to be in more Art Shows than I was last year, which would be zero.

There is also the day-to-day things that need or must be done to keep the house and hearth in order. Plus things that pop up and become more important than whatever creative endeavor I am in the middle of. It’s called life and I will deal with it as needed.

By the end of September I want to have a number of things done. I have 11 days left. Let’s see what I can get done.

I am grateful for motivation that is not clock based.

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Posted By Kathleen David on September 12, 2018

The word “Meh” was a sound on the Simpsons that became a real word used in every day conversation especially if you have teenagers in the house. Yes, I know its Yiddish origins but Simpsons gave us the word and showed it in action.

According to the dictionary it has come to mean expressing a lack of interest or enthusiasm

I have what I call my Meh days, days in which I cannot come up with the strength to care about anything. Meh is going through the motions because it is expected of me.

Many people think that depression is being sad all the time and if a depressed person shows any sign of being happy then they aren’t really depressed. Yes, I have honestly been told that.

Sad is one feeling but Meh is another one that can just be there day in and day out.

There is no motivation to do anything. I just want to curl up into a ball and not deal with the world. Things that might have excited me just don’t.

There was a time that is exactly what I did. Except when I had to eat or work, I just did nothing. Couldn’t read or write or build puppets or any creative activity. It was not that I didn’t want to, I just could not find the energy to do so. And that sent me into a downward tailspin that I had a hard time putting out of.

Life was seriously Meh.

I know that I am doing better when my interest in the creative kicks back in. I start planning puppets or writing again. I become engaged in fandom again.

I know people who make it from day to day living for either their vacation or a convention or some movie coming down the pike. It gives them something to live for. Other than that they feel like their lives are pretty much Meh.

I have seen a couple of people who are already doing a countdown to the next DragonCon because it gives them something to look forward too. See my entry on Con Drop for more on this. I think I posted it a week or so ago.

Right now I have a bunch of things to deal with and I have the creative itch that I am going to have to wait to scratch for at least a week.

I don’t feel the meh right now. I am more in a panic mode of ‘can I get this really done?’ Which I will and it will be fine.

I have found ways for me to push through the meh to where I care again about the world around me. Having Caroline and Peter in my life has helped me a lot. I have people counting on me to be there for them and I know that they are there for me when I need them.

But there are still times that meh is my way of life and I recognize it and just keep moving forward until I regain interest.

I am grateful for that which is not meh.

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Posted By Kathleen David on September 11, 2018

Because today is a really good day to talk about it.

Seventeen year ago I was working for Del Rey Books in the Bertlesman Building in Time Square. Today is one that is burning in my memory along with the days that followed. I remember hearing the towers fall and the dust cloud that came roaring up Time Square. I remember everyone trying to figure out how to get home. I remember being on the subway once they opened them up to travel with people covered in dust and grime. And the feeling of despair and shock was palatable.

Even though it is seventeen years later, this day is still hard for me. I tend to stay away from social media and the memorials on TV for the people who didn’t survive that week. I feel sad and out of sorts as my mind goes back to that day.

Situational depression is a short-term, stress-related type of depression. It can develop after you experience a traumatic event or series of events. Situational depression is a type of adjustment disorder. It can make it hard for you to adjust to your everyday life following a traumatic event. It’s also known as reactive depression.

Most of my recent depressive episodes are situational and I do things to keep me from going deeper into the dark hole that my mind can be. Things happen that cause me lots of stress and then it gets harder to do even the simple tasks that one needs to do every day. Most of this comes from situations I have no control over. I can’t fix the problem, which is my default, so I have to deal with it knowing it is out of my control.

This day is one of those days. I woke up feeling a bit out of sorts especially since seventeen years ago it was a Tuesday and I had seen the Lion King for my birthday on that Sunday. I remember how beautiful the day was. The sky was that lovely shade of blue that says that fall is on the way. And then the day went down the tubes.

So I know today is a self-help day. I do what I need to do to help me. I stay off the Internet and avoid all the remembrances of what happened. I don’t turn on the TV for most of the day because I don’t need the constant bombardment that happens up here in New York on this day of the events back in 2001.

And I also know that in a couple of days this feeling with fade. It is situational with something I can point to as to why I am feeling that way.

And that’s situational depression.

I am grateful that I managed to make it home seventeen years ago.

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Posted By Kathleen David on September 10, 2018

Today is national suicide prevention day. Where suicide is discussed along with possible strategies to help people who might be contemplating ending their lives.

I can tell you that when one has depression, it can be hard to explain why what one person did that helped them is not particularly helpful in this case.

We have bookshelves in libraries and bookstores with self-help books on how to feel happy/better/at peace. And for some people these give them the tools that they need to help themselves so they feel better. I applaud those people for finding what works for them and publish it trying to help others. Some of it can sound like snake-oil but if it stops someone from killing themselves then it is useful.

I remember years ago I told someone about the fact that I got the Winter Blues, now know as Seasonal Affected Disorder, and they said to me, “Have you tried not feeling depressed?” then went on a lecture of it all being in my head and with the power of positive thinking I could over come my ‘sad’ feeling. This is when positive thinking was the stock answer for anything that went wrong in one’s life.

I listened and nodded at the right spots then got the hëll away from that person.

Depression is not a switch you can turn off and on at will. Depression is not an inconvenience that you can just put aside so you can get things done.

There are times that I am depressed and it makes no sense if you look at it from the outside. Things are going my way. I have a good life. There is so much I am blessed with. The list goes on and on and I have heard this before.

But that’s depression. There is no rhyme or reason to it.

When there is a reason people are more sympathetic with your situation. And that is situational depression where you can point to the reason you are not happy.

But I have depression that I can see the roots of but it makes no sense why I cannot just snap out of it. I can see what I have but I really don’t care at that point. I have to push to get up and get dressed and pay attention to hygiene and the dishes and food choices…the list feels endless.

It is here that chemistry comes into play. My brain is not making the connections needed and anti-depressants can bring me back to the middle so I can deal with the world around me. Better living through chemistry as one of my friends says.

Also by this point I have a mental tool box that I use when I recognize that I am going down into that dark hole. I can usually bring myself back to functioning adult. Again what works for me might not work for someone else. This is how I deal with my brain.

I put these out there in hopes that it will be the thing that turns it around for someone.

I am grateful for those things I have learned that help me out of the pit of despair.

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