No Strings Attached

Posted By Kathleen David on April 6, 2020

AKA Day 22 of the Homebound Saga and the beginning of week 4

Right now, I feel like I am bouncing through my emotions and not holding onto one very long. If one sticks, I don’t want to dwell on it because I can’t afford to wallow in despair. I know if I let my brain twist on it nothing good will come from it.

I slip into the role of caretaker for my family and use that to distract myself. But that can only go on so long before we reach the point of diminished returns and I have to look at what is going on with me.

As things sort themselves out, we discover our new norm that we all hope is going to end sooner rather than later. Finding a balance is difficult but not impossible. We are still feeling our way through all this. 

And all feelings that everyone is having are normal under these circumstances. Feeling angry or sad or afraid is not wrong or bad. You should not feel guilty about feeling happy about something or joy or peace. Those are yours to treasure.

I really think we need a national viewing of Inside/Out the Pixar film about emotions. It was one of the best things I have seen to show both children and adults that all emotions are valid and can help you through any difficulty. 

Caroline and I are using our daily walk to talk about all kinds of subjects. I am happy that she feels comfortable to talk to me about what is bothering her. I am even happier that she takes my advice and uses it. 

One thing we keep telling her is that she does not need to be going from the time she gets up until she goes to bed. It is OK to take some time for herself and play a video game or draw or read or write or whatever that gives her a warm feeling. She has her schedule and is working on that before taking her ‘me’ time. And taking a nap is a good use of her time considering how early she gets up.

My sleep has been a little up and down. I am averaging a solid 6 which is better than a year ago when I was lucky to get 4 hours. Even though I do wake up in the middle of the night and my mind is racing through all my fears, I can get it to calm down so I can return to sleep rather than my insomnia returning. It is amazing how two hours can make such a difference for my mental health and well-being. 

I do worry for all kinds of reasons and I know a lot of them are the same reasons my friends are worrying. Income is taking a serious dip with no idea when it will return. Can’t fill for unemployment since I am an independent contractor. I had some commissions put on hold. We had some unexpected expenses that needed to be paid like just about everyone right now. A lot of people are scared about money and where it will be coming from and when. In addition, the cost of basic goods is going up due to demand and amount available. There are problems getting stuff into the stores and then problems with panicked people who think that if they don’t get things now, they will never see it again. They might be right about toilet paper.

I will survive this. You will survive this. 

Yes, the unknown is still out there and nebulous. We don’t know if New York has reached the apex or if we have more to come. We are seeing hotspots exploding all over the United States. Places that had next nothing are now experiencing where New York was a month ago when we started shelter in place. And we are going to see more as this goes on. We are not out of the woods. Heck, I think we may be about a third through the woods at best. I am expecting to spend May the same way I have been spending April. 

It is scary and the paranoid feeling is not unwarranted, but the task is to not let it take you over. 

Take comfort in that which gives you comfort. Take some time for yourself. You don’t have to finish all the projects you have this week. 

This is the perfect time to slow down a bit and give yourself time to be in the moment. 

I am grateful for my daily walks with Caroline.

Category: Uncategorized
Tags: