No Strings Attached

Posted By Kathleen David on December 15, 2018

We have a week before the travel weekend for those of us going elsewhere for Christmas and other holidays. There are a lot of holiday parties for various reasons that we find ourselves attending.

I want to talk about two things related to all this interaction with people.

The first came from a notification I got from the Girl Scouts about allowing one’s child to set limits as to how they express their appreciating and affection towards others.

From the Girl Scout newsletter and on their website

Reminder: She doesn’t owe anyone a hug. Not even on the Holidays

Holidays and family get-togethers are a time for yummy food, sweet traditions, funny stories, and lots and lots of love. But they could, without you even realizing it, also be a time when your daughter gets the wrong idea about consent and physical affection.

Have you ever insisted, “Uncle just got here—go give him a big hug!” or “Auntie gave you that nice toy, go give her a kiss,” when you were worried your child might not offer affection on her own? If yes, you might want to reconsider the urge to do that in the future.

Think of it this way, telling your child that she owes someone a hug either just because she hasn’t seen this person in a while or because they gave her a gift can set the stage for her questioning whether she “owes” another person any type of physical affection when they’ve bought her dinner or done something else seemingly nice for her later in life.

“The notion of consent may seem very grown-up and like something that doesn’t pertain to children,” says Girl Scouts’ developmental psychologist Dr. Andrea Bastiani Archibald, “but the lessons girls learn when they’re young about setting physical boundaries and expecting them to be respected last a lifetime, and can influence how she feels about herself and her body as she gets older. Plus, sadly, we know that some adults prey on children, and teaching your daughter about consent early on can help her understand her rights, know when lines are being crossed, and when to go to you for help.”

Give your girl the space to decide when and how she wants to show affection. Of course, many children may naturally want to hug and kiss family members, friends, and neighbors, and that’s lovely—but if your daughter is reticent, consider letting her choose what to do. Of course, this doesn’t give her license to be rude! There are many other ways to show appreciation, thankfulness, and love that don’t require physical contact. Saying how much she’s missed someone or thank you with a smile, a high-five, or even an air kiss are all ways she can express herself, and it’s important that she knows she gets to choose which feels most comfortable to her.

I am not a hugger unless I know the person I am hugging and I know that the hug will be accepted/appreciated. For the most part I let others initiate that sort of contact according to their comfort level. I am a big believer in personal space and I try not to invade that space allowing for each person to feel comfortable around me. For some that seems to make me a little stand-off-ish but that’s me.

I hadn’t though of the consent angle and how we can help girls feel that contact is their choice rather than a social construct that they have been taught to follow.

So I do accept hugs but would like others to initiate contact.

Not everyone in a family or extended family get along. I am one of the lucky ones that my family gets along with each other and I love both my blood relatives and my family by choice. And this is the time of year I am reminded how lucky I am.

There are people who have cut various relatives out of their lives for various reasons. There are other relatives, especially between Thanksgiving and New Years, trying to get everyone back together for family harmony. I have been reading on social media people struggling with this issue. My personal opinion, toxic people do not get the 100th chance to prove that they are not toxic. If you need to cut ties for your mental and physical well being, do it. I really dislike families that blackmail their relatives into joining a celebration that they do not feel part of for whatever reason.

Some people do not get along with their blood relatives for whatever reason and have assembled a family by choice. And that’s fine too.

We need to stop forcing people to ‘like’ each other. Because there are people that are just not going to get along no matter what. Détente may be reached but there are still landmines that everyone has to step over. Even within one’s friends group, not everyone is going to get along. I know I have friends that I never put together because I know it would be a bad idea for various reasons.

I want people to be comfortable around me. I let them give me an indication of what they are comfortable with. I hope I relate to others what I am comfortable with.

I am grateful that I do get along with my family and extended family.

Category: Uncategorized
Tags: