No Strings Attached

Posted By Kathleen David on May 24, 2011

We don’t have the perfect marriage but we have a good one that we are very comfortable with. We’re very happy in it.

Peter is very supportive for things I want to do and I am the same about him. Balance is important in this. Early in our relationship we found ourselves doing a lot of After you my dear Alphonse trying to defer to the other person which made it close to impossible to pick a restaurant. Then we hit on a clever idea. 3 days a week one would defer to the other and the other three days it would switch. Sunday was given to whoever had a worse week. Some people found this rather odd but it worked for us. We don’t do it anymore because we are more in tune with each other’s rhythms so we can tell when the other needs to be the one to call the shots.

We encourage each other to be our best and strive to improve in our craft. There are times that he takes on a lion’s share of the household so I can get a project done and I do the same for him when he is on a deadline. We give it to each other straight. If it is not our best or something about it feels or looks wrong we tell the other person. If a sculpt looks off to him or a puppet doesn’t look right, he’ll tell me. Sometimes he can express what’s wrong and other times it is more a feeling and I have to take a fresh look at what I am doing. I do read things he is working on and give my opinion about it or tell him what I don’t get about it. We also work on projects together. Headcases came out of Peter and I speculating what a superhero bar would be like and your public face verses your private face.

We provide a united front. If one child gets a No then it is a universal NO. Not maybe or check again until you get a Yes. We discuss things before making big decisions that effect more than just us. We also tend to think alike. We like a lot of the same stuff which makes it easy to watch television or go to the movies. But there are things that one likes and the other doesn’t really care for. I like Project Runway but it is not Peter’s cup of tea.

When you live with someone for 10 years, there are habits that are formed and things that just are. If you try to explain them, you usually end up falling back on, “well, it is just that way.” I know what Peter likes to eat and he knows when I need more sleep. We tag team on some things. Like getting up with Caroline to get her off to school. Some mornings it is me, others him and a majority of the time it is us. But we know when we need to take point for the other. Like this morning I got Caroline off to school because Peter was up until almost 3 AM because he was picking up Ariel and her friend from the train from their adventures at the Drama Desk Awards.

We tried to find pet names for each other and failed horribly. However the cats have several names including “get out of the way”. The kids have nicknames that are used when appropriate. Recently Fig picked up the moniker “burble butt” because of the tribble noise she makes. We call each other by our names Peter and Kath with the usual honeys and dears and sweeties tossed in when needed.
We are in each other’s corner solidly. There are times that I step away from the Internet because people are savaging my husband about things he didn’t do or things he supposedly said. I get very angry when words are taken out of context so it looks like Peter said the exact opposite of what he really said. There is nothing I can do about it really. The Internet savages people all the time without cause or for some imagined slight. (I remember once someone calling Neil all kinds of names because he wouldn’t sign something in the men’s room. Come on people, it’s the men’s room. Not the best place to sign something.) And defending isn’t going to change most of these people’s minds because they have already decided that they are right and nothing is going to change their minds. Occasionally you will run into someone who will listen and really think about what they are doing and change their behavior but those are few and far between. So we rant to each other about things we can do nothing about and we listen to each other so they know that someone heard them.

Relationships are very personal. What works for one couple would be a total disaster for another couple. Relationships are work and quite a bit of it but I think the results are totally worth it. Peter and I are very comfortable with each other. We started as friends and became more. We listen to each other. We help each other. We encourage each other. We sometimes push the other to rise to the challenge. We parent together. When we hit a rough patch, we worked our way through it. More often than not, it is something outside the marriage that we have no control over but we need to address. But there are things we know that we need to continue to work on in the marriage to keep it strong and healthy. Life is never static nor are relationships. Over time I find myself more in love with my husband than I was 10 years ago, which I wouldn’t have thought possible at the time but it is true.

I am grateful for our relationship with each other.

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